Morning.

Mornings are becoming "my time"

Im getting up at 7am and doing all the things I need to do first thing so I dont have them have them having over my head the entire day at work. I get them done, and dont get distracted, and then leave on my way to work feeling accomplished. I even find time to blog... amazing.

blah..........

3 more days of work this week.

Then 4 days off... (just breathe... breathe...)

Need to make it though, if I get to 9pm Thursday night without a severe mental breakdown then Ive survived "The Move" and can start to organise my life again.

Fingers crossed.

I deserve a good weekend this week... also some new clothes/shoes.

The worst is over.

Im so exhausted I feel like I need to hibernate for a week or 2 to recover.

Cant believe I have to work tomorrow... really wish it wasnt my birthday too, I barely have the energy to stand upright and added to that I have to endure all the bullshit birthday attention.

Anyways.. here I am, updating to you live from the new "Dreamer" headquarters. As I have pretty much completely lost contact with the universe this week I have nothing of any importance to share.

(this was a post from last night that wouldnt upload... delayed transmission)

P.S Happy Birthday to me.

It gets the worst at night

Cant keep them quiet as the 3rd night slips away from me.

And so it's four a.m.

I'm on the road again

To find some peace

Some old gravel road

God only knows

There's nothing for me

And there ain't nothing left for me in tennessee

Because i know you're not awake thinking of me

And there's something 'bout just laying down and taking all that pain

I'd rather drive all night if it's all the same

'cause half a tank of gas will get me far enough

To be completely lost by the time the sun comes up

Lists

I make lists and schedules to calm myself.

Of course if I dont accomplish my lists Im left feeling more anxious and overwhelmed than I did to begin with...

But writing things down gives me a sense of control, so its worth the risk.

Worst night ever last night... Nothing but drama, it ended with me alone in my bed falling asleep to Casablanca at 1am. Im attempting a 2 week detox from the night life (do not let this be confused with an alcohol and substance detox) It is a detox from clubbing.

This week we are moving, it will be busy and stressful, I want to save money and buy new things for the house. I may buy Vogue living and become an interior decorating enthusiast.

Next weekend is my birthday, I would appreciate it being completely ignored.

Ben threw out my favourite scrubbing brush that has detergent in the handle cos he said it looked "manky". I had a pack of re-fills for it under under the sink.

Im really hot and uncomfortable. Hopefully the new apartment will have a nicer climate.

Enough of this time wasting blogging, back to writing lists.

Then maybe try actually doing the things on them.

Semi-Weekend.

Fridays are so deceiving for me... I get the whole day off. Wanna go out by about 8pm, then remember I have to work on Saturday.

Going out tonight is not worth the pain tomorrow. I would rather have a better night tomorrow, with more money in the bank.

So... here are the distractions.

Must not go over my internet cap again, it is not in the budget.

Romance was Born

Finally some promising Australian fashion.

Seen but not heard

Thinking about returning my reflections on life to the classic "Dear Diary" instead of the world wide web.

At the end of the day I need to deal with myself on my own. Thats not to say I wont have the occasional rant or vent over blogger, cos I indeed will. My problem is that however emotive my posts may occasionally seem they are always somewhat censored and tailored to only display part of myself, the part I am happy to display to the world. But what about the part I leave out, the part Im too afraid to say for the fear of revealing too much and giving myself away?

I believe that recently I have actually gotten a lot better about talking about things to people, but then I look back and kind of think there was no point to it. In fact, more often than not the secrets you let slip only come back to make everything worse. Im not making any sense right now, but basically I need to start dealing with stuff on my own. Even if it kills me a little on the inside it will only make me stronger on the outside. After all, no one can really help me in the end except myself, why subject other people to my misery.

Further soul searching to be had on this matter...

Put it down.

Burdens...
A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience,

Raised a glass of water and asked

'How heavy is this glass of water?'



Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g..



The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter.

It depends on how long you try to hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem..

If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.

In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the
heavier
it becomes.'



He continued,

'And that's the way it is with stress management.

If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,

As the burden becomes increasingly heavy,

We won't be able to carry on. '



'As with the glass of water,

You have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it
again..
When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.'

'So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down.
Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.



Whatever burdens you're carrying now,

Let them down for a moment if you can.'

So, my friend, Put down anything that may be a burden to you right
now.
Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.

Thanks Dani.

This Modern Love

To be lost in the forest
To be cut adrift
You've been trying to reach me
You bought me a book
To be lost in the forest
To be cut adrift
I've been paid
I've been paid
Don't get offended
If I seem absent minded
Just keep telling me facts
And keep making me smile
Don't get offended
If I seem absent minded
I get tongue-tied
Baby, you've got to be more discerning
I've known never known what's good for me
I will be yours
I'll pay for you anytime
You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness
Well jump on, enjoy, you can gorge away
You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness
Jump right on
Baby, you've got to be more discerning
I've known never known what's good for me
Baby, you've got to be more demanding
I will be yours
What are you holding out for?
What's always in the way?
Why so damn absent-minded?
Why so scared of romance?
This modern love breaks me
This modern love wastes me
Do you wanna come over and kill some time?
Tell me facts, tell me facts, tell me facts
Tell me facts
Throw your arms around me

Going under.

Drowning again.

Just as I was about to come up from air...

In the early hours of the morning I stumbled across my current phone/internet bill. It is usually $150 a month.... the total for this month is $550. I dont know how this happened? Somehow on Tuesday the 16th of February I used downloads that totalled $136... in one night? But how? Why... Why now... Why me? The story of my life.

Also $1100 car insurance due.

$270 quarterly energy bill direct debited from my account today.

$300 rent due Monday.

Please note, I actually dont give a shit about money. My frustration here has nothing to do with money, its purely about my lack of control and inability to stand on my own 2 feet. I dont want to be dependent on anyone. I want to prove I can look after myself. I need the reassurance and confidence. I need to know that Im ok on my own and that I can look after myself.

Right now I feel powerless and unable to cope.

Cant keep my head above water.

(thank you le love)

The Pinnacle of Life

The Sydney social pages...

BTW... Im joking. I just love the costume!

The City of Blinding Lights.

So this week I have not associated with the world (outside of work and my apartment that is)

My complete inability to understand the term "time management" forced me into a stressful situation I have not felt since high school. But as I sit here at 4:45am after working a 40 hour week I do feel accomplished... quite proud of myself.

I feel I can now slowly return to a normal range of sanity, or insanity in my case? Either way it is manageable. Time to stop being self involved and miserable.

In saying that however it would be wonderful if the world could just stop for me when Im slowly drowning in self pity, if not the entire world could Paris fashion week have slowed down just a little? Struggling to catch up with the motions, so deal with the random image dump of new things I found in the last 8 minutes!

Whoops

Post from Wednesday that my internet held hostage.

Took on a a little too much... (although when some commitments were made I wasnt working a 40 hour week)

On the bright side I surprised myself by completing over 3 hours of uninterrupted book work this evening. At the end of the day I work well under pressure and cannot let myself or others down, even if it nearly kills me.

So excuse me being a stranger this week, I am drowning in stress.